DUDEzology

Girlfriend Dumped You? Boozing Thru A BreakUp

2009-08-06T02:32:00.000-07:00

Okay so the love-of-your-life-relationship is over...but not for you...here is how to deal with the fact that she has left you for good Dude, according to Luke Schmaltz of ModernDrunkardMagazine.com:

"Well, here you are. It’s over. It’s probably been coming for some time, but being the romantic sap that you are, you thought you could make it work. You hung on like a punch-drunk boxer way behind on points in the final round. But pride can carry you only so far when the right hooks are screaming in like cannonballs. To quote the late great Charles Bukowski you are “the champion who quit on one knee.” Helluva fight, kid. Better luck next time.

To again quote Bukowski, “Love is a dog from hell.” This dog is vicious and altogether unmerciful. It will rip you into small pieces and lick at your wounds with a steel-wool tongue. This filthy hound clamps its jaws around your heart and squeezes like a vice grip.

It’s like when a roller coaster plummets down the steel incline and your stomach ends up wrapped around your left shoe. The pain is unspeakable. Maybe she cheated on you. Maybe you cheated on her. Whatever the circumstance, it’s over and done with, and you’re in deepest, darkest, hottest Hell.

This is a fact: A broken heart hurts worse than a broken leg. The pain of lost love is that itch, that horror that no drug can touch. Except one.

Sweet, ever-loving booze, and plenty of it.

Booze is your friend. You already new that, but now more than ever. When you really need a friend in a high place to hear you as you pray for the salvation of your soul, reach to the top shelf for a hand up from Jameson or Maker’s Mark. If you need some reassurance that it’s really all for the better, place your palm to the middle shelf and slap five to Wild Turkey and Jim Beam. If you want to cuss and moan about what a stinking lying bitch whore she is, lick your knuckles and brawl ‘til you’re broke with Evan Williams and Old Crow.

This is a crucial time in your life. It is a test of strength and will. Can you be strong enough to overcome the crippling foe? Can you be resilient enough to withstand an urge to go back into situations that cause you pain? Yes. But you’re going to need help.

Enter Whiskey and Rock ’n Roll.

These faithful comrades will stand by your side and pick you up when you fall down. You must face each day with a full flask in your pocket and a song blaring in your head. This is the essential task you must perform in the long rite of taming a monster. The rabid Rottweiller that clamps down on your corazon is in for a long-due cheap shot. Through the two aforementioned mediums you will achieve a horrible headache, but the throbbing in your head confuses the dog—he starts thinking he’s gotten hold of the wrong organ and shifts his grip to your brain. This offers temporary relief from heartache as your head takes one for the team.

But the dog is no dummy. He will soon realize his mistake and latch back on to his previous prey. This is why you, fallen soldier, must forge ahead. There is no quick end to this fight if you’re playing for keeps. The truth is you love her and probably always will. However, if you want to fully recover from your lacerations so that you can someday feel normal and wholeheartedly in love again, you must pass through the following phases:

Phase One: Days 1 - 30
You’re doubled over in pain. If you sleep at all it’s in a fetal position. Eating and personal hygiene have been temporarily suspended to conserve the energy needed to fight the pain. Forget about glassware, rocks and mixers. You’re belting straight out of the bottle, baby. I’d recommend Evan Williams or Early Times and let us not forget some appropriate albums: That’s Life by Frank Sinatra and Blood on the Tracks by Bob Dylan should soothe the sting. Just think, when Bob wrote “Simple Twist of Fate” he knew exactly how you feel. Trick that dog, buddy. It’s the only chance you’ve got.

Phase Two: Days 31 - 90
You’re getting stronger. The constant effort involved in fighting pain has brought out a hardness in you that you didn’t think was there. Day before yesterday you ate a whole cheeseburger all by yourself. You’re bathing again.

Now that you don’t smell like an old sock you start thinking about looking for the Rebound Girl. Don’t do it. Chances are it’ll only make you feel worse as you try to pass the weight of your pain onto her. Here’s the secret: the pain doesn’t go away. You merely get used to it by numbing it with liquor. As your tolerance to alcohol builds, so too does you tolerance to emotional anguish. You get used to the burden, your emotional muscles strengthen, like a coal miner shouldering bags of coal out of a mine shaft for weeks on end.

You look in the mirror and start to recognize someone. You think to yourself: “Man, if I get through this I will be the toughest motherfucker around.” Damn straight, pal. Speaking of which, it’s time to go on the rocks or maybe mix your Mash with water or Coke. No more need for rotgut, move up to the middle shelf.

Phase Three: Months 4 - 7
You’re getting cocky. Your respective diets of food and sleep are resembling something like normalcy. Your steady intake of whiskey has been augmented by beer, wine and other libations. You can stand up straight and have fooled your friends into believing you’re totally over that chick.

Not so fast, old boy. The Dog From Hell is a tenacious little bastard and still follows you everywhere you go. He may be hanging back a bit, but when you least expect it he’ll leap up and latch back on with more fury than ever. One brisk winter evening you turn around in a bar and there’s your ex making out with some chump in the corner. The fact that you know the bastard makes the sudden nausea and hot flash all the worse. You start to tremble and burn with rage. Don’t kick his ass. Even though he probably deserves it for one reason or another, the fight is not between you and him. It is between you and you.

After you get the hell out of there you’ll suffer a short relapse falling somewhere between phases 1 and 2. Seek out your friends. Big bold shots with your chums will help you regain lost ground within a few days. Give these albums a spin: Powerage by AC/DC and The Allman Brother’s Band by you know who. The songs “Kicked In the Teeth” and “Whipping Post,” respectively, should make you feel right at home. This is sink or swim time. Face your pain. Tame your pain. Learn from it and someday you will own it, control it and make it work for you.

Phase Four: Month 8 and Beyond
The lessons you’ve learned are extremely valuable ones. You tread more cautiously. You understand your weakness and hold your guard up high with the neck of a bottle in each fist. You’re starting to get back in touch with the person you were before lost love shoved its fangs through your chest and your guts spilled out on the floor.

Relinquish yourself to the fact that you love your ex, she’s gone and all you have left is this mutt that adopted you and won’t leave. However, now you are the master—having loved and lost and lived to tell the tale over a couple of drinks. You were in touch with your emotions previously, but after this trial your ability to feel deeply will have crystallized to a sense as sharp as a whip. You can appreciate the work of dedicated distillers and gifted songwriters alike in ways you never before imagined.

You did it. You tough sonuvabitch.

The Soundtrack of Sorrow
The author finds it necessary to consult the expertise of tattoo artist Jef Kopp in completing this article. Mr. Kopp has a music collection bigger than most record stores and a knowledge of the subject that sends the snotty little brats that work in them crying back to mommy. Here are our picks for some of the top break up albums of all time and the recommended liquor to guzzle while listening.

Blood on the Tracks-Bob Dylan-Old Crow
Small Change-Tom Waits-Bushmill’s
12 Golden Country Greats-Ween-Jim Beam
Murder Ballads-Nick Cave-Early Times
That’s Life-Frank Sinatra-Knob Creek
The Genius of Ray Charles-Ray Charles-Crown Royal
The American Recordings-Johnny Cash-Old Grand Dad
Damaged-Black Flag-McCormick’s Vodka
Red Roses for Me-The Pogues-John Power
Slender-Haunted Radio-Old Overholt
Motherfuckrers Be Trippin’-Supersuckers-Booker’s
Powerage-AC/DC-Jameson
Lovesick Blues-Hank Williams Sr.-Evan Williams
Shotgun Willie-Willie Nelson-Whiskey River
The Colour and the Shape-Foo Fighters-Wild Turkey
Heartbreak Hotel-Elvis Presley-Tullamore Dew
Hobo’s Demos-Drag the River-Ten High
Liquor in the Front-Reverend Norton Heat-Longhorn
A Love Supreme-John Coltrane-Gentleman’s Jack
Twisted by Design-Strung Out-Working Man’s Gold
Pleased to Meet Me-The Replacements-Lord Baltimore
The Shape of Punk to Come-Refused-Paddy
I’ve Been to Heaven and Back-Mekons-Old Sergeant
Denver Joe Live-Denver Joe-Maker’s Mark"

--Special Bonus Section--

"Backing Up Your Buddy Thats Going Thru A BreakUp" (click on image to enlarge for readability):

Top 10 Signs She's INTO You or NOT

2009-07-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

Guys...When on a date ever wonder what the "signs" are that she’s into you or not? Here from writer Chelsea Kaplan (deputy editor of www.thefamilygroove.com and regularly appears as a guest on XM Radio’s “Broadminded.” Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.chelseakaplan.com.)...is the lowdown on what to look for when you're on that initial outing:

She's Into You - Top 5 signs
"Let’s be honest: Sometimes it’s tough to tell if your date’s just being nice, or if she’s really into you. So if you need help sussing out your lady love’s true feelings, check out these pointers from Greg Hartley, former Army Special Forces interrogator and author of I Can Read You Like a Book: How to Spot the Messages and Emotions People Are Really Sending With Their Body Language. Who knew your date’s smile, complexion and even where she places her handbag can reveal whether she considers you friend or boyfriend material? Five signs your date is into you…

1. She tilts her head.
“When a woman sees and feels especially comfortable with a man, she will tilt her head,” Hartley says. A tilt in any direction — right, left or down — are all signs that she’s interested in getting to know you better—say, over another date.

2. She takes a sip when you take a sip.
When a woman is drawn to a guy, she’ll instinctively mirror his actions, Hartley says. While men do this, too, women are more likely than men to first begin the copying. What should you look for? “You might notice she will shift her body in the same direction as yours or take your lead for behavior changes like picking up a glass to drink or blinking her eyes repeatedly if you’re doing so,” he suggests. If you want to test her, lean forward and see if she comes closer, too.

3. She twirls her hair.
Since the beginning of time, a woman’s hair has been celebrated as a symbol of her sexuality. And it’s true today, says Hartley: If your date begins twirling or playing with her hair while talking to you, it is a good sign she’s into you and subconsciously trying to attract you.

4. She gets a glow.
While blushing often means embarrassment, don’t assume that her rosy cheeks are an indication of discomfort. When a woman is sexually aroused and attracted, blood flows not only to her nether regions, but also to her face, which causes her cheeks to get redder, Hartley explains. And if your date is smitten, he adds, her lips and even eyelids will get fuller, too, he says.

5. Her pupils dilate.
While your gaze is fixed on her, pay particular attention to her pupils, advises Hartley. “When a woman is attracted to a man, her pupils will dilate,” he notes. “Essentially, the body does this in order to allow itself to take in more of a good thing.”

She's NOT Into You - Top 5 Signs
1. She crosses her arms.
Did she assume the angry librarian stance? “When a woman on a date places her hands in front of her body — especially if they are crossed — she is closing herself off from the man,” Hartley notes. If you get this red flag, you don’t stand a chance… and she wants you to know it. “Men are not nearly as perceptive as women, so even if she’s not consciously aware of it, a woman knows her body language needs to be very loud,” Hartley explains. “In this instance, that body language reads loud and clear.”

2. She places her bag between you two.
“When I ask male friends how a blind date went, step-by-step, and they say‘she put her bag on the table,’ I always know that’s a bad sign,” Hartley says. If your date places her purse — a real and physical barrier — between you two, she’s showing she wants to create distance, he says. Not a good sign.

3. She speaks faster than an auctioneer.
So she seems to love talking to you? Before you break open the bubbly, note the speed of her small talk. “Romantic conversation does not occur at the same speed as business conversation,” Hartley says. “Conversation between two people who are attracted typically slows to about three-quarter speed and softens. In fact, most emotional conversation — with the exception of very hostile conversation — is at a slowed cadence.” That said, she may be nervous early in your first date, and her nerves can cause her to spit her sentences out rapid-fire. But if by the end of the evening she’s still going at a rapid rate, consider it a clue that she just wants to be friends at best.

4. She offers you a chin-up smile.
Though it’s tempting to interpret any old smile as a sign of interest, all smiles are not created equal. Smiles can say a lot— “I’m polite,” “I’m crazy about you,” and, believe it or not, “I can’t stand you.” The secret to decoding what her smile really means? It’s all in the chin placement. A woman who gives you a relaxed, chin-down “soft smile” is smitten and wants you to dig her back, Hartley explains. A full-on toothpaste grin or stiff and polite smile — both of which generally involve the chin raised up — mean either “I like you as a friend” or “I wanna get out of here!”

5. She strokes her neck.
If your date’s telling you she agrees that you should get together again, that’s a good sign, right? Maybe, says Hartley. “Her body language may be the key to the real truth,” he says. “If a woman is gently stroking her neck when telling you this, it may be a sign that she’s interested, but it is also known to be a sign of lying.” To figure out which message she’s sending, consider the aforementioned “she’s not into you” signals. If she’s also giving you the raised-chin smile and speaking to you over a giant purse, you may want to move on to your next prospect.

Get The 411 On Relationships With Women

2008-12-26T17:52:00.000-08:00

Okay Guys...explore the chemistry in relationships with women via the "Intelligent Love: 411 For Men" at the BlipTV channel or the "Joy Of Romance" website, here is a sampling of what to expect...I think its a great site if you want to learn how to be the best husband, boyfriend, or lover that you can be:

(click on the foward arrow or back arrow buttons to select a different episode)

Meat: It's What's For Dinner

2008-12-26T17:02:00.000-08:00

Okay Guys...here is an article from the men's-point-of-view-blog The Man In The Moon "A lone man in a female world of flowers, chick flicks, periods, and puberty"...having had run-ins with a significant live-in other in my past, I can identify with this one...maybe you can too:

Okay, once and for all, let me make this absolutely clear:

I am a carnivore!!! I eat meat!

Thank you very much for the salad you brought me. I enjoyed it. It was very nice, but I’m not a rabbit. Now when’s dinner?

Look, I am not that hard to please. In fact, I’m downright basic. Just bring me a cooked, dead animal on my plate, and I’m happy.

Don’t threaten me with the cat, because I’ll take you up on that offer.

You don’t have to tell me again what hot dogs are made of. I’m fully aware, and it works for me.

No, put the Spam away. It’s not meat. I don’t care what the can says.

Now, why are you mad at me?? What happened? I told you I liked the salad. And the noodle stuff. I liked that too. Really. I love your cooking and…uhm…plant mixing…salad…whatever…making. I always have. You know that. Now, how about dinner and–

No, wait!! Come back! **SLAM**

Crap. How the heck do you open these stupid Spam cans, anyway? I’m probably going to cut myself again.

And it’s all your fault!! I hope you’re happy! **mumble** **mumble** **mumble**

Found on Venus Angell’s site, FAPIPO.

There’s plenty of room for all God’s creatures.
Right next to the mashed potatoes.
~Saskatoon

Lesson Learned:

Eat the stupid salad and go find something else later.

Zimbio's Sexiest Bimbios Over The Age Of 50

2008-12-15T20:43:00.000-08:00

Okay Guys, Here they are Zimbio's 50 sexiest bimbios over the age of 50...

50. Katey Sagal
49 Jessica Lange
48. Sigourney Weaver
47. Pam Grier
46. Leeza Gibbons
45. Janice Dickinson
44. Debbie Harry
43. Queen Noor of Jordan
42. Chrissie Hynde
41. Cassandra Peterson
40. Geena Davis
39. Joan Allen
38. Kim Cattrall
37. Susan Lucci
36. Cher
35. Ellen DeGeneres
34. Jane Fonda
33. Tina Turner
32. Susan Sarandon
31. Katie Couric
30. Lynda Carter
29. Dorothy Hamill
28. Beverly Johnson
27. Mary Steenburgen
26. Goldie Hawn
25. Ellen Barkin
24. Sophia Loren
23. Raquel Welch
22. Suzanne Somers
21. Olivia Newton-John
20. Peggy Lipton
19. Rene Russo
18. Sharon Stone
17. Ann Curry
16. Diane Sawyer
15. Cheryl Tiegs
14. Angela Bassett
13. Joan Jett
12. Jaclyn Smith
11. Sela Ward
10. Kim Basinger
9. Andie MacDowell
8. Jane Seymour
7. Madonna
6. Helen Mirren
5. Christie Brinkley
4. Iman
3. Jennifer Tilly
2. Michelle Pfeiffer
1. Holly Hunter

The 99 Most Desirable Women For 2008

2008-12-03T22:59:00.000-08:00

Okay Guys...who's the most desirable woman of 2008? Watch the countdown on the AskMen.com widget...

Top 99 Most desirable Women of 2008